Water Lilly Alley

How Santa Got Stiffed For Christmas

 A long, long time ago in the far away about the sixth month an angel that all the other angels knew as Gabriel was sent from God unto a city of Galilee, named Nazareth, to a virgin espoused to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David; and the virgin's name was Mary. And the Angel came in unto her, and said, “Now don’t freak out about what I’m going to tell you, just hear me out.” And the angel said unto her “Fear not, Mary: for thou has found favor with God, and, behold, thou shall conceive in thy womb, and bring forth a son, and you shall call him Jesus or Santa, But before you make your choice, do take note of the Jesus/Santa proclamation that I hold before you. It simply states all that is to come in years down the road. Choose wisely and please sign on the bottom line and initial to the left in the little box highlighted in yellow. In the meantime I will have a little one on one with Joseph.

                                                 The JC/SC Points System

Item: Both Santa Claus and Jesus will be immortal, omniscient beings and will judge their followers based on good and bad deeds.

Item: Santa Claus will live at the North Pole, a pure, white, mythical northern vantage point from which to look down on the world he serves.

Item:  Jesus will reign from a pure, white heaven located above the world he watches over.

Item:  Santa will have elves to do his bidding and help with his work since he cannot be everywhere at once.

Item:  Jesus will have apostles that will perform the same role as elves of spreading His word since He cannot reach all his followers at once.

Item:  Santa will receive letters from his followers requesting gifts in return for being well behaved throughout the year.

Item:  Jesus on the other hand will receive propositions in the form or prayers, not only for good behavior but these prayers can also redeemed to cut a deal in order to get out of a jam or messy divorce.

Item:  Milk and cookies are a way of communicating with Santa through food.

Item:  Wine and bread; a quick hook up to Jesus.

Item:Santa has a bottomless bag of toys.

Item:  Jesus has a bottomless bag of penance: For just about any sin under the sun just say a few Hail Mary’s, a couple Our Fathers and you’re off the hook for another week.

Item:  Flying reindeer will bear Santa Claus down to the earth for his yearly visits.

Item:  Jesus will body surf in on the back of a few angels on his second coming.

Item: Each year right after Halloween Santa will be the number one cause of traffic jams, crowds and long lines at malls everywhere.

Item: In the winter of 2009 Jesus will come out with a personal line of Jumping for Jesus Confessionals.

So you see boys and girls, Santa could have had top billing if only he had a better publicist. Fan mail and toys were just not enough to carry Santa over the top and so he will always be second best. Plus, you can’t beat a line of signature jumpers.

WLAPEDIA: Our Lady Of Macarena

Our Lady of Macarena, also called the Virgin of the Rave is the West Coast’s most beloved Almost Virgin. Known in Los Angeles’ Wilshire District (Home of the Beverly Hills’ set) as Ravito.  Our Lady of Macarena along with Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears is celebrated nightly in such clubs as the intimate new Sunset Boulevard lounge Hyde, the Kress, the Green Door and without fail at Joseph's and Crimsons.

The Almost Virgin of Macarena is a cultural symbol of significant importance to the paparazzies, for it is they, that benefit most gloriously in the religious glow of the underwearless lascivious saints of the night.  One direct shot of the promised lands and a paparazzo could be set up financially for life.

So the next time you’re in church and have to say penance for your indiscretions, ask the priest to set you out with Ravito, it will make the morning most pleasurable.

Sometimes You Just Fall.

First of all I would like to thank all the folks that saddled up and came looking for me. Hell, I think the only person missing from the posse was Gary Cooper and, all in all, he had good reason not to be there. So in short y’all have no idea how that makes me feel. Thank you. And after this short post I will be back talking smack as a matter of fact, but first…

For those of you that I lost in the whirlwind of survival let me back up a few months.

 Taking the Memphis freight train to see The King…

May 15^th 2200 h. 2007 I found myself nearly tits up on a gurney rolling down one of the - soon to become many - corridors of the Glendale Seventh Day Adventist Medical Center with a team of cardiologist trying their best to keep me alive.

With a resting heart rate of 150, blood pressure holding at 170/120 and drowning because my lungs had filled with blood and fluid, they had their hands full to say the least. Massive Congestive Heart Failure is the medical term: To me, I knew it as sheer panic. In short the bottom half of my heart just quit working due to complications of high blood pressure – which mind you I had been on medication religiously – but had not been following doctors orders on sodium intake and of losing a few pounds. In fact, she was beginning to piss me off so to counter that… I quit seeing her.

The two major mistakes in my life:

One was telling an arresting officer one dreary winter night in 1973 after being arrested for possession. “Do me a favor and tell your wife I won’t be by this evening.”

The second as you have just heard was telling my doctor to piss off in my mind world.

So after letting things go - haphazardly- and not knowing that the average person ingests approximately 10,000 to 15,000 mgs of sodium a day and I, I’m sure was beyond that seeing as how I cook with more salt seasonings that is allowed for any one person.  I was told to cut down to at least 2,400 mgs a day. not 2,400 exactly but somewhere in that range. Of course that was that last thing we spoke about with me saying yeah, no problem.

No problem because I was so out of there.

Two months later I became short of breath and weak,  but of course I would pass that off as bronchitis. Something I never had before, but it surely made sense. I was so much more comforting and less frightening than heart disease.

And the bronchitis just got worse… or so I thought. But then I realized what even with bronchitis one can still sleep and by this time I had gone without sleep for three days… Major denial folks… nothing worse than hiding from yourself… when you can’t take in a quarter of a breath, you find that inside your skin you run out of places to hide.

Well one would think that it’s time to dial up 911, but I figured that I would drive myself in to the hospital. Apparently, I was – in their eyes – already dead and they had a hard time believing that I had made it there.

Now seeing the doctors as concerned as they were I sort of thought… hmmmh… maybe I overshot my ability to think properly.

Well, after a week in intensive care with iv’s in both arms coupled with three to four injections every 120 minutes and nurses waking me on the hour to see that I still had a brain, and I should mention a cardiologist that knew a few secrets on keeping the terminally stupid alive. I made it over the rainbow and back to Kansas.

On the day of my release and still somnolent from all the radio active solution they had pumped through me, I had a nice little conversation with a nutritionist: we spoke of diet and other great things that I was willing to listen to… and to comply with.

It’s been two months as of today, not once have I exceeded 990 mgs of sodium in any one day. I have dropped 30 pounds. Up until my freight train ride to the circle of light I had about zero strength, I could barely get through the day as it was and trust me when I say that was an effort in itself.

Now I am back to cycling in the mornings. I am just finishing up a five week course where I will be certified to teach, train and instruct in the state of California

and this was not an easy task to achieve for I had to beg, cry and almost plead to get my doctor to let me go back to work. One of the side effects of the staying alive meds that I was given is depression and so I had to make myself useful. Besides I had a second chance and had to start building up my karma ratings.

I still have a way to go… I may have a few electronics implanted into my heart next month. That is something I’m actually looking forward to only because it will alleviate what little fatigue I have now. Even though I’m up and out I can still do with feeling perfect.

People have asked me how is it that I can cook, eat and live without sodium… that they have tried and it is almost impossible.

All I can say is that when I was in the hospital, flat up, the hospital Chapman came by and asked me if I would like her to stop by in the mornings and early evening so that we could pray. I politely told her No, but thanks. She reminded me that The Lord Jesus had died for our sins and in our time of need he would be there for us.

I had to assure here that if he had died for my sins and saw the shape I was in he was really going to be pissed.

She asked me. Well I don’t mean to pry but if you don’t believe in the Lord our Savior, then who or what do you believe in?

I simply replied… I believe in me.

So how do I live without salt… easy, I want to live, when I die I want to be all used up. And I am the only one that can see to that.

Again, I want to thank all the people that were there for me, that knew where was when I wanted to keep it hush hush…

Thanks to my loving and very brave Son who flew here on a moments notice. My Daughter who called me daily, my sisters who stood by bravely and both ex’es: The first one who checked in out of curiosity and the second who called with major concern. To Sasha who give me a ration for not taking care of myself and who I adore dearly for her concern.  To Carol who reminded me of the mother hens that were concerned of my whereabouts. To Collen and the many others. And of course Pauline who kept in touch throughout the whole ordeal and still requests my vitals on a daily basis, she is a doll. To Polly from Bone Idle who wrote in comment shortly after my release... who did not know what had happened wrote after I posted a photo... So you're still alive...

That alone brought a smile to my face.

Thanks to all of you. You have all been in my thoughts.

Now… I have a few things to say about Paris Hilton but that will have to wait. I have a some veggies to bbq.

 

And if my thought-dreams could be seen
They'd probably put my head in a guillotine
But it's alright, Ma, it's life, and life only

-Bob Dylan