Water Lilly Alley

More on the L Word

One thing about hitting mid-life early in life is that it allows for one to  compare how things are now to how they were back in the day. And there are just about as many things to compare as there are people to compare them. The common thread: Things are so much easier now than they were back in the day.

Case in point…

Celebratard Lindsey Loham is so low profiling since her recent arrest for DUI and cocaine possession in Santa Monica
this past July 24^th that most of us almost forgot about her. Almost, because like a pimple on one’s hind quarters it is much easier to hide than a pimple on one’s nose. And frankly… we were hoping that she had made it south to society’s back side – so as not to blemish the less than angelic City of Angles any more than she already has.

However, NEWS FLASH… she is still front and center on LA’s schnoz and is plainly trying to gain forgiveness and I think more than not… to get back into the good grace of her contract holders by entering rehab.

AGAIN.

Although, technically, this would be her first time it is in Utah, yes, the lovely state of Latter-day Saints. And her third stay for those of us that are waiting for her to hit bottom and end up at Starbucks with The Two Corey’s.

Now, is it just me or is she trying to really play this up that she is serious about rehab? Agreed, there are just so many things God can do, but when his miracle day planner is filled to capacity, best head on over to his other chosen people and see what they can do I say.

I guess the rehabs centers here in Los Angeles are just a little too lax when it comes to letting *cough-cough* guests out to shop during the day and to hit a few clubs by night as long as they are in by 3 am.

But this rehab in Utah... Cirque Lodge facility… WTF?  I’m not making this up. I couldn’t. And if I’m correct isn’t cirque just a French word for circus.

Come on everyone, let’s stand up and give the Mormons a rousing hand of applause for getting another foot into the door of the new American Dream: Making money by allowing brats to do what they please in the guise of atonement.

Back in the day… one went to rehab for various reasons. I will name a few here for the younger set.

1. You lost your job, haven’t changed clothes in two weeks, can’t remember the last time you shaved, crashed your car, you smell like dog ass.
2. Your spouse is about to leave you. (Note: after you’re sober they leave you anyway, being drunk just covered up the real crap most of the time
3. Your wife is pregnant for the fourth time and you haven’t had sex with her in two years, that you can remember.
4. Life has become unmanageable and suicide is your best thought of the day.
5. You can never find your car keys.

There are many more but the above list will give you some sort of idea as to how it USED to be.

Celebratard Loham's list seems to be just a bit different.

1. Her production company is about to drop her.
2. When driving over the speed limit and swerving from lane to lane she is pulled over by police who have never seen ‘Mean Girls’ ‘A Prairie Home Companion’ or ‘The Parent Trap’.   
3. She becomes dehydrated.
4. Becomes exhausted after not sleeping for five days straight.
5. Because Britney did it.

You see back in the day. Rehab was taboo, and if you did go in, you never went back a second time. You had one shot. Yeah, the wife still left you, the kids still threw all the crap you ever did back into your face. Money remained a major issue. But the upside was that you were sober, clean, and even smelled decent. They say don’t sweat the small shit. Well, most of life is small shit and when you do get sober you realize that you either deal with the shit or it deals you… OUT.

In the end, the Linster may get the picture, but I doubt it. I mean, when I was a kid, going to the circus was a treat for something well done by us kids.

Oh well, I guess just the definition of a situation makes it all the better. 

In the meantime… I’m going to find a nice fitting little black hood, not to tight but just loose enough so as not constrict, something fashionable and beach boyish and head on down to Santa Monica beach for a little water boarding.

Isn’t summer wonderful?

VT Backwards Spells TV

Looks like the talking heads have their work all laid out for the next few days. Even Glenn Beck and Nancy Grace gave up their daily rations of croissants and lattes for stale coffee and donuts out of the back of a news van to cover the latest hit to land a spot on American consciousness. Yeah, I’m talking about the VT Massacre and/or whatever the news puppets have decided to call it.

 I will keep this relatively short only because I will not be caught up in this crap for the next two weeks as the ‘professionals’ try and figure out why Cho Seung-Hui did what he did.

 We already know why: Because he was a freaking whacko. Nothing more, nothing less boys and girls, that is all we need to know. End of investigation.

 Yet, on the other hand the conservative right is by all measures avoiding the term ‘gun control’, the left screaming nothing other than. And we as a nation… well we are ‘seemingly’ in need to know why this happened, or at best, how long will it keep our interest. After all Nicole had a good run, Most of us think that she is still dead, the baby has a father now and the father has a lot of money to look forward to. But all in all we are missing the big picture. The bottom line here is that we are a culture of violence, a culture of war, and most of all, a culture of sensationalism. That pretty much sums it up in a nutshell – no pun intended.

Case in point…

Gun Control. Prior to the invasion of Iraq, suicide bombings were unheard of in Baghdad? It was not until 2003, that the first suicide bombers made an appearance – a brief appearance I’m sure but never-the-less they found that they were able to do what they do best: Blow people up. So what does gun control have to do with a world that comes to us in miniature sound bytes and ten second film clips? Answer: Everything.

 You see, not every insurgent, terrorist, or anti-American loyalist has access to a series of M24 special sniper weapons. So they go with what they do have, or actually, what is much more available and effective: Explosives, and not only are explosives beneficial to the cause but it allows the powers to be to void paying out a pension plan. So when you break it down like that, one does not need a gun if they want to cause major havoc. I’m sure that if Mr. Hui was dead set on taking out a measure of students he would have found another way other than using a handgun if need be. Hell, he was a college student for Christ sakes. Not exactly your regular street thug.

 Now, I don’t own a gun, never have and hope that I never will. But if people want to own guns then so be it. That is their right. I own a car, get in front of that after taking out one of my loved ones and you will see just what kind of damage a 99 Chevy can do. But does that mean we need to control who owns a car. Hell, I could beat a person to death with a book if I had the mind to. Should be register books? So, lets not get all high and mighty about what is and what isn’t going on about laws that ban.

 If you ask me… We need laws to protect us from being stupid, cover stupid and we wall would be a lot happier.

 The next question we should ask ourselves is just how do we as a society fall into the mix and if we look close enough we would find that we allow ourselves to get caught up in a very serious state of sensationalism. Now take a big deep breath… cuz, you’re gonna need it.

 YOU see, we love this sort of shit. We love to have something to talk about at the water cooler, we can’t wait to get home, scoop out a dish of ice cream and catch the 11:00 o’clock news or Nightline to see how many and how they were killed in any given situation. We love that reality effect as long as it’s on TV and not next door. We love seeing blood, crying and big explosions and long as we can shut it off if we have a fancy to. We flocked to the special bulletin when OJ was flying down the 405 hunkered down in the backseat of his Bronco. We were all mesmerized by the televised invasion of Kuwait. We hung on to every light tracer over Baghdad when it came to Dubya’s Shock and Awe attack. We couldn’t get enough of Katrina or the likes of her sisters. We can’t break away from freeway chases or shootouts in the workplace.

We are hooked.

 The last report I took notice of on this horrendous injustice to the public was earlier this afternoon when a reporter came on and said. “This is not a reflection of our society as a whole or not even as American culture, in fact, the perpetrator wasn’t even American.”

Well God Damn… Bitchslap me can call me Tina. I’m sure glad we cleared that up. I'm glad South Korea is void of oil or we would declare war.

 I for one have stack of books sitting next to my reading lamp, all lined up and waiting for a moment with me. My own little literary party with a list of invitees, which include Pete Dexter, Aimee Bender, Charles Baxter and Jasper Fforde...

 I agree, it’s a horrible thing that took over VT, but it is nothing compared to what we AS a society are allowing to go on in a country half way around the world, next door, or even in the next room. It’s not sensationalism until it makes all the networks and then we take notice.

Then… we can ask why…

The Way I See - Part I

From today's headlines, or at least how I saw it - A syndicated WLA News Feature.

Britain Lets Mother Keep Obese Son
By Alvin Valles (Water Lilly Alley  Press Writer
From WLA Press

February 27, 2007 9:38 PM EST

LONDON - A mother who feared she might lose custody of her obese 8-year-old son unless he lost weight was allowed to keep the boy after striking a deal Tuesday with the co-founders of eBay. Nicola McKeown, 35 said she would sue the online auction house if they continued to allow an unidentified party to place the boy on eBay as a humanitarian gesture stating that he was big enough to feed an entire village in South India for a month.

Proceeds from the sale were to go to the JonBenet Child Makeup Foundation In Louisville, Kentucky.   

Really, It's All The Same.

Los Angeles. CA – According to a 2006 census officials reported that there is a rapid decline of Christians in America due to an increasing rise in family homicides. "This trend can be traced back to The White House where President Bush last year encouraged Christian-Americans to shed their current moderate beliefs in God and give into the fundamental thinking of the Old Testament in order to match wits with the current religious beliefs of Islam, said Ronald Gooseman, secretary of The Patron Saint of Homeland Security, and White House religious advisor.

"At first we thought it to be an anomaly," reported Mike Houseman, lead CIA informant, "however after an exhaustive investigation it was determined that a majority of the Christian based murders were attributed to a passage from Deuteronomy (13:7-11)

If your brother, the son of your father or of your mother or your son or daughter, or the spouse whom you embrace, or your most intimate friend, tries to secretly seduce you, saying, " Let us go and serve other gods," unknown to your or your ancestors before you, gods of the peoples surrounding you, whether near you or far away, anywhere throughout the world you must not consent, you must not listen to him; you must not show him no pity, you must not spare him or conceal his guilt, no, you must kill him, your hand must strike the first blow in putting him to death and the hands of the rest of the people following, You must stone him to death, since he has tried to divert you from Yahweh your God…

Alfred Merryweather was arrested late Sunday night after savagely stoning his wife, daughter and son to death upon their return home from a Yoga Class at the Tai Chi Cultural Center.

Premeditated murder charges are expected to be lodged against Mr. Merryweather after several neighbors reported that the murders took place over a period of two and a half hours due to the fact that the victims kept dodging the stones.

"These atrocities are becoming more and more frequent" said Ronald Gooseman, we are hoping that President Bush will rewrite the selected passage of Deuteronomy (13:7-11) to read " to seriously maim" Losing this many Christians in such a short time could be fatal to the country’s support of the War on Terrorism.

                                                                            - A. Valles

Lindsey Loham and Party Friends

Ok first of all let me apologize for the Lindsey Loham thing. Although I’m back to updating on somewhat of a regular basis, hits on this site have been a little low. However they are in an upward trend, a slow upward trend, well actually an upward crawl. But the truth of the matter is that most of us pound out this dribble so that it may be read.

Well, that is partly true, some folks write for personal insight, to find who they are, to reflect or to gain a firm understanding on the world.

In short, that would not be me.

So I figured it wouldn’t hurt any to reach under the proverbial pimp bench and do whatever it takes to pull in a few Googlers. So if you wandered in here in search of Lindsey’s butt cleavage… sorry, but since you’re here…

Welcome.

Stuck on Stickers
As I was taking a break in between breaks last night at work I ran across this article. Now, as a rule I don’t let things bother me when it comes to “The News”: I figure that most people in the news are idiots or else they wouldn’t’ be in the news. Of course the Dali Lama, Eddie Izzard and Howard Zinn do not fall into this category, but I digress.

So when I came across this article I felt a dire need to put in my two cents.

ATLANTA, Georgia (AP) -- A woman who was ticketed for having an obscene anti-Bush bumper sticker filed a lawsuit in federal court Monday against a county in the state of Georgia and its officials.

Denise Grier, 47, of Athens, Georgia, got a $100 ticket in March after a DeKalb County police officer spotted the bumper sticker, which read "I'm Tired Of All The BUSH**."

A DeKalb judge threw out the ticket in April because the state's lewd decal law that formed the basis for the ticket was ruled unconstitutional in 1990.

Ok, I’m all right with the above. Being ticketed would be enough to piss anyone off and rightly so. But here is where it gets a little sticky.

Grier is seeking damages from the county for "emotional distress," according to the lawsuit.

Emotional Distress? Oh dear me, W.T.F. is up with that Ms. Grier?

This is what one would call little potatoes when it comes to one’s personal rights in this country and it is people like you Ms. G that makes it almost impossible to get a decent court hearing when it comes to something that has real value of personal infringement.

However, let’s move on…

Grier also seeks a declaration in federal court that her bumper sticker is considered constitutionally protected speech because she is "uncertain and insecure regarding her right to display her bumper sticker in DeKalb County," the lawsuit said.

Why are you even bothering? It’s not like you found a pubic hair on your can of Coca-Cola or anything. If so, them, I’m sure it would be worth bringing to light.  But "uncertain and insecure regarding your right to display a bumper sticker” What were you thinking?

Grier, a nurse who works at Emory University and other hospitals, also is seeking punitive damages against the DeKalb police officer who gave her the ticket because he "acted with reckless disregard" of her rights, the lawsuit said.

Let’s review:

I agree that it was wrong to have cited you for the sticker and in the original case the judge did throw it out of court. So why pursue it further in federal court with a lawsuit and how in the hell do you figure you ended up with emotional stress.  Let’s count the ways.

• Did the police officer roll out the water board from the trunk of his patrol car?
• Did the police officer give you a nipple mammogram with a pair of pliers?
• Do you still have all your fingernails?
• Are your knees intact?
• Are you bleeding from anywhere other than where you should be?
• Are your kids safe?
• Do you have any open tooth cavities that you didn’t have before you received the TICKET?
• Are you still able to sit down without wincing?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions then you are indeed suffering from emotional stress. If not, furgetaboutit.

As far as punitive damages.

Unless the officer pistol or baton whipped you, or dangled his Johnson in front of you or your kids, then there really aren’t any damages associated with your freaking rights in regards to free speech.

If I were to have sued for punitive damages every time an officer talked smack to me or ticketed me without provocation then I can pretty much say that I would be one rich SOB.

Free speech is something that should not be taken lightly, but it was a freaking bumper sticker and I just can’t side with you here. On the other hand if you’re standing on a street corner and burning the American Flag in protest of the current administration and you are arrested, I will be the first to raise the issue of your right to free speech and expression

I too have a strong dislike for our president but I’m not going to clog the legal path for those that may need to use the system, for those that have been robbed and beaten down of their rights and dignity.

Shame on you Ms. Grier.

What Was He Thinking

Every now and again I will come across a news item where I find it necessary to dig my feet in and do a double-take, or in this case, a re-read.  Now these news items usually fall into one of two categories, the first would have to be the ever-popular WTF category and the other falls into the sheer amazement bag. The second being like when a kid ends up lost on a trip to the Grand Canyon and finds his/her way home 2000 miles away, six months later.

Yet this Associated Press piece  landed directly in the smack ass middle of both groupings. The WTF angle surely went to the judge in question and the sheer amazement component would have to go to his co-workers.  Here, check this out, and do read the entire article because there are some serious unanswered questions here.

Here Comes The Judge

Ok, with that said, or more to the point – read,
I want to make it perfectly clear that I have nothing against masturbation. In fact, in my early teens I seriously thought about learning Braille while I could still see. Even to this day with the threat of blindness long gone and the fact that I wear reading glasses I still find ‘the deed’  a great pastime.  Hell, we all do it, and if you say you don’t then you are lying or your house, garage and yard are so spotless that you can eat off of them. Yeah, it’s kinda like that.

Hell, I’ll wager a week’s pay that even Meryl Streep knocks one off every now and again but I can assure you just as I’m sitting here, that she doesn’t do it while sentencing a defendant in a court of law even if the perpetrator did eat her fucking baby.

Ok. If you’re still with me, let’s review.

At his trial this summer, his former court reporter, Lisa Foster, testified that she saw Thompson expose himself at least 15 times during trial between 2001 and 2003. Prosecutors said he also used a device known as a penis pump during at least four trials in the same period.

Now, I have the highest regards for court reporters. They sit day in and day out transcribing everything from long-winded speeches to god knows what that takes place in a day of court stuff. So we can pretty much assume that Lisa Foster is a very observant individual. But for the love of Christ if she saw major chub for at least 15 times in a two year period and didn’t say anything about it to ANYONE.  Then something is seriously wrong on her behalf.

Now, speaking for myself, if I’m at the workplace and the first time I see my co-worker with his hand puppet hanging out I will give him the benefit of the doubt and mention that his fly is down: “Say, bro, your fly is down and by the way… your penis seems to have fallen out.”  But a forth or fifth time I am going to tell someone. For one, it’s not right and second, it’s not right.

Ok with the penis out of the way so to speak lets move on to the penis pump.

Thompson, a married father of three grown children, testified that the pump was given to him as a joke by a longtime hunting and fishing buddy.
"It wasn't something I was hiding," he said.

Ok, he’s lying. When people purchase penis pumps, they hide them.

Case in point.
When was the last time you noticed someone carrying a SA-2000 pleasure enhancer? To tell you the truth, the only place that I have seen pumps of this fashion has been on the wall of our local Sex Toys and Lawnmower Emporium. But in public… Never.
So he must have been hiding it, but just not very well. We will get to that in a moment.
He said he may have absentmindedly squeezed the pump's handle during court cases but never used it to masturbate.

Absentmindedly?

1. If you have a penis pump in your possession you know exactly when you squeeze it.

2. He didn’t use it to masturbate with. OK, that is bullshit, because they are way too big for sucking up olives from the bottom of one’s martini.

3. They do not allow martinis during court proceedings.

Foster told authorities that she saw Thompson use the device almost daily during the August 2003 murder trial of a man accused of shaking a toddler to death. A whooshing sound could be heard on Foster's audiotape of the trial. When jurors asked the judge about the sound, Thompson said he hadn't heard it but would listen for it.

Again, if I did own a pleasure enhancer and ‘used’ it daily in public I would surely feel that I should give it some sort of name. Maybe Snappy or Buster.  Yeah, then I wouldn’t have to hide it; I could like, carry it around in a small animal carrier or something of that nature. You know, kind of let people get used to it.

And then when his friends or court buds hear an intermittent whooshing they would just sort of chuckle and say something like… ‘Oh that Snappy, he’s a character.

Police built a case against the judge after a police officer testifying in a 2003 murder trial saw a piece of plastic tubing disappear under Thompson's robe. During a lunch break, officers took photographs of the pump under the desk.

This is the very reason he should have had a small animal carrier to keep Snappy in. Geeze!

Investigators later checked the carpet, Thompson's robes and the chair behind the bench and found semen, according to court records.

Again, that is just so wrong,  unloading right there in the courtroom. All I have to say is that the next time I’m in court and the judge asks me to approach the bench… Well, there is just no way.