Instructions

Back in 1958 or so, we didn’t have babysitters, nannies, or maids. We had ‘Instructions’  For instance, when my mom had to go out to the market, or to run mom chores we kids would be left home alone. Me being the oldest, 8, I was the one to be given ‘The Instructions’  

-         -Alvie, while I’m out keep an and eye on your brother and sister, no fighting, and don’t use the stove, stay out of the fridge, you don’t need to be eating anything, I don’t want you choking again, especially if no one is here. Don’t be using your slingshot to be shooting birds from your bedroom window, and most of all: DO not, do not open the door for anyone other than me.  Got it?

-         -Yes,

-        -What did I say?

-        -No Fighting, don’t use the stove, stay out of the fridge, no eating, no slingshot stuff and don’t open the door for anyone?

-        -Ok, back in an hour.

<One hour later.>

-      (knock-knock)

-        -Who is it?

-        -It’s me, mom, open the door.

-        -How do I know it’s you?

-        - God damn it, open the door or when I get in there I will knock you into next Tuesday.

-        - John, check the back door, I don’t know who it is but they have the evil power of time travel.

-        - Dee, go lock all the windows, this could be dangerous.

-         -  Alvie, open the door.

-        - How do I know you’re who you say you are?

-        - Open the God damn door now!

-        - Ok but first you will have to answer a few questions.

-        - What did we have for breakfast?

-        - Don’t be funny, you had oatmeal and toast, Johnny had a bowl of Quisps and Dee had peaches, now open the fucking door.

-        - Damn, they got mom, I think they sucked the morning stuff out of her brain and sent out one of their chief body pods to kill, roast and eat us. 

-        - Really, what are we going to do Alvie?

<Loud banging on the door>

-  The three of you are going to get an ass beating if you don’t open this door now.

<Johnny and Dee peeking out from the living room curtains>

-        - Alvie, its getting mad, the face is turning red, what are we going to do?

-        - Don’t worry, I think it’s going into its huff and puff skills, but the house is cinder block so we don’t have anything to worry about right now, but, we need to get a plan in place.

-        - Like what?

-        - I don’t know, let me think.

<banging getting louder>

-        - Ok, turn the stove on, go get my slingshot, open the fridge and get all the choking stuff out.

-        - What is choking stuff?

-        - I don’t know, get chunk stuff out.

-        - Should we get the marmalade out, remember when you choked on the little orange things in the jelly?

-        - Yes, get the marmalade and also a few orbs so that we can ultra-force project the orange blast units.

-        - Ok, Johnny, smear some marmalade on one of the Brussels sprouts

-        - Dee, hand me my slingshot.

-        - Ok, on the count of three, Dee, open the door, I will have only one shot. Our only hope is that I can launch the orange globe of death directly into the mouth of whatever it is. 

-       - God be with us,

-        - 1…, 2…   

Comments

[Sasha]

I laughed so hard while I read this, my dogs made fun of me.

[Alvin]

@Sasha: Good, I guess my work here is done. ;-)

[Travis]

There was no orange marmalade or sling shots in 1958. Those wouldn't be invented until 1960. ;)

[Alvin]

You are so right Travis... however the slingshot I referred to was a prototype. Which was to become standard kid fare in the 60's. As for the orange marmalade, I did have to take a little creative licenses in order to make the story work. ;-)

[Stephanie]

What about David and Goliath? I believe a slingshot was involved...

[Sandy]

I could have sworn I got my butt beat for enticing my younger cousin to get up at 6am, hide in a drainage ditch in the middle of the road, and try out our new sling shots at passing motorists..that was 1959, I believe..As for marmalade..chunky peanut butter would have worked well...and it sticks.
Boy do I remember those instructions, too. Babysitters? Yeah...that was what the oldest child was for. Regardless of age! As for the ass-beatings...it's a wonder any of us have one left - (spare the rod ( wooden spoon, spatula, or whatever was in reach), spoil the child generation) Thanks for the memories...

[Alvin]

Travis, this just in from another reader. Boy, talk about opening a can of worms.

Just a note... orange marmalade has been around as a common household item since the 17th century. Sling shots (as we know them..from a forked piece of wood or tree branch, became a staple of the all American boy around the time rubber innertubes were invented (around 1888)
The first commercial sling shot was marketed by Wham-o in 1948, with a much more sophisticated version appearing on the market around 1954...I remember making several with my grandpa's help.. between the ages of 6 and 8. He was my source for mischief..

Thanks T, nothing like stirring the pot. I appreciate it muchly.

[Alvin]

Your welcome Sandy.

[Sandy]

Still laughing...

[Alvin]

Sandy, this is a good thing right? :-)

[Sasha]

Why on earth would anyone think Travis was serious? Do people think my husband is stupid? He just likes to keep the pot stirred. He is the chef after all.

[Alvin]

We all know he was stirring the pot. Or at least I did. '-)

[Sasha]

I know you did. Even Travis said "I knew Alvin" would get it.

[Sandy]

Curiouser and curiouser..Insatiable pack-rat for fact tidbits especially when it involves a blast from the past....a wrench in the works always delights me and I just have to know the real lowdown - like a junkie and his fix. Problem for me is thinking out loud. Drives those around me crazy. Please, keep the kettle boiling..