Water Lilly Alley

Hey, Mister, Can You Spare A Minute?

 

In a causual converstation the other day over lunch I was asked;

- Do you twitter?’

- Do I twitter?  

- Well, if you really must know, my second ex-wife, which was not my second ex at the time, really enjoyed a rousing flick ot twittering.

-No, fool, I’m talking about social networking. You know, like you log-on to this network and you can only write like up to 140 characters and in short you write about what it is you’re doing at the time.

- WTF?

- Ok, I get it, so I’m asked what I’m doing, right?

- Yeah,

- Crap, I reading a question asking me what I’m doing right now so more or less that is what I’m doing. That’s a bit obvious isn’t it?”

- Jumpin’ Jesus on a seatless bicycle are you freaking socialy numb?  It’s more in line of what you plan on doing in the next few minutes.

- Ok, but what is the purpose of that?

- Fucking nevermind ok… pass the ketchup.

So if you stopped by here and have made it this far I need to ask: Do we really need another social network? However before you answer that I would like to add a disclaimer: No I’m not a social idiot. I was there when Orkut was the bee’s knees, I moved on to Multipy when it overshadowed the big Or.  I have a yahoo messenger account, I have a MSN account, I currently have a Facebook page. So I do know my way around the block, although I did have to pass on the MySpace Phenomena.  But that is neither here nor there. 

DO we really need another social networking page” And for those of you, like myself, that haven’t figured out all the bells and whistles on one’s cell phone, well, you need not answer.

How it works.

The idea of twittering or tweeting as it is often called, is a way for individuals to provide more detailed status updates to their friends, family and contacts. And, crucially, it delivers those updates across a variety of different media - either through its website, over instant messaging or by SMS to your mobile phone.

Christ.

True, on first glance it is a baffling and seemingly pointless service - but underneath it proves intriguing, useful and addictive for those who live on the move.

As in;

• -       I signing off my home desktop now but I will have my CrackBerry on and will follow up momentarily.
• -       I’m now in my car and heading to the flea market, I’ve had my eye on this retro lamp a few weeks ago, I so hope it’s still there.
• -       I’m now at a stop light.
• -      Oh I love this song that just came on. I forget the name of it but it’s by that guy, you know, the tall one that plays an acoustic guitar.  OMG. It gives me love bumps.
• -      I can’t believe that they passed a law that we must use a hands free phone while driving. Don’t they know how hard it is to drive and text at the same time?
• -      At red light. OH MY GOD, I love this song.

It is no surprise, then, that some believe Twitter's service is the logical evolution of blogging?

Really now, is this what we have become, robotrons that can’t string more than 140 characters together in order to generate a complete thought provoking commentary, essay or what just is?

How did we slip into this mouse click attention span? 

The answer to that my friend, goes back a few years when things were much slower. Like about...

The mid 1800’s

Back in the day we had a much larger attention span.

Why?

Books.

Books and newspapers were our only source of communication.  In Kansas, New York or wherever you found yourself, books, in a few hours could take you to Paris, India, Germany, Japan, into the wild or the Arctic, or aboard ship sailing around Cape Horn or you could re-live the loves of lovers long time gone. 

Spend an hour reading the newspaper on Sunday morning and you have made the rounds about town without leaving the comfort of your favorite chair, favorite drink, family.

 And you would remember everything you read. 

Right this very minute think back five mouse clicks and JUST what was it you read or thought of, came away with?  See, most of us can’t do it. Our attention span is that of a freakin’ goldfish that forgets where it came from just before making it to the destined side of the bowl.

Yes, we are like that.

Then.
Along came the 50’s and our attention span dropped from a few hours down to 20 minutes. 

Why?

Television. 

A few years after television made its debut, sitcoms came along: I Love Lucy. The Lone Ranger, The Life of Riley, Superman, Zorro and so many others and all the problems, situations, indian attacks, mishaps at the factory in these black and white dilemmas were all summed up and neatly put away in 22 minutes.  (another 8 minutes for the likes of Comet, Chesterfields, Maytag, Ovaltine, Kellogg’s Corn Flakes and Borax detergent)   With 30 years of 20 minute doses we began to accept this as the norm.

Let’s jump ahead 45 years. Are you still with me?

The missing 20 minutes. 

I can remember when I came online in ‘93 or thereabouts the internet was nothing but text. Netscape was just about to make an appearance as one of the first real time browsers and if you searched long enough you could find some pretty interesting things.  Now remember, pong and space invaders were slightly a thing of the past and the internet promised adventure and love if you could only figure it out. And most of us did: In 20 minute increments.

From 1995 on the internet had become a deity in itself, something that most of us would find impossible to do without, and our 20 minutes dwindled down to 10 minutes as we perused blogs, journals, and diaries and free porn.

Meanwhile about back in 2008: Twitter.

Twitter has been growing fast too, and in recent times it has been doubling subscriber numbers every month. Its makers said that the past weekend saw the number of messages sent triple, thanks to the conglomeration of users at the SXSW festival in Austin, Texas. Some adopters have taken this growth as the reason to use it as a sort of "internet firehose", corralling quickfire opinions from around the globe.

As our attention span lowers, more and more websites and news blogs are adding twitter feeds. In the interim we are being locked into ball and chain linked with 140 character of expressionless chatter. Of course it cuts down on the typos and proof reading.  So, it does have an upside. Little as it may be.

Yet, the end has not arrived yet even though the news blogs seemed to have swallowed up the personal blog of real people living real lives, we are still out there.  Now I don’t know about you but it takes me a hell of a lot longer than 20 minutes to write and post an entry. Of course, a lot of it is just crap and the misaligned alphabetical ravings of middle aged git. But it’s me and if I have to say in it 140 characters then, hell, what’s the use. 

“No” is just two characters.

 “Yes’ three.

 Anything other than that more or less should take time to express.

Now, I have always fallen back on the old adage; Don’t knock it till you try it.

 So here goes:

• Twittering: So will it be a useful addition to the web, or simply another MySpace-like black hole that whores away at our free time? Nobody knows, but when the big decision comes to lig...
• Twit: Sorry but you have exceeded your allotted 140 characters. Please try and condense your entry.

Fuck... I’m outta here, going to fix myself a nice cup of tea and head on into the living room to while away the morning listening to Leonard Cohen.  And if that isn’t time well spent then, I don’t know what is.

And that is what I think about Twitter.

=a=

 

Black and White

As a kid, nothing said Saturday morning more than pulling up  and parking in front of our black and white Zenith television still  dressed in PJs and armed with a plastic bottomless bowl of Rice Krispies. And as of by the magic of childhood: The Stooges would kick off the day.

Moe, Larry and Curly; man those cats were crazy.  Loved them, and in black and white to boot, of course, color television was a good ten years down the road so black and white will always be The Stooges.              

And the funny thing about this weekend morning tryst, was that my sisters, and her friends - when they would sleep over - come morning, would plop right down with the boys and much like us, didn’t miss an eye jab, a frying pan slap, a hammer to the head and lest we forget the two finger nose hook.  Nuk,nuk,nuk, wise guy and knucklehead became our neighborhood anthem.

Yet, today just try and ask your wife, girlfriend, lover or life coach to sit down with you to share a few hours of a Thanksgiving Day stooge marathon and you will get:

    * What?
    * Are you crazy?
    * They’re so stupid, I don’t have time,
    * Really? I have better things to do.
    * Would you move your ass and help me clean-up this mess, your parents will be over in a few hours."

And of course one that I’ve heard on more than one occasion: "When you’re done with your mind masturbation session can you get to work on cleaning the garage."

Now the last phrase may sound cruel and unusual punishment to be flapped down against a stooge lover but I must warn you, it will not hold up in divorce court. Again, trust me.

And if it’s a new relationship, they may sit down with you for a half hour tops for a stooge session but more times than not they will have to do floss, check for nose hairs or something similar that requires locking themselves in the bathroom until the TV goes silent.  

Truth be known; they are Closet Stooge Lovers. It’s just hard for them to come clean, I mean, How many times have you been called knucklehead, wise guy or asked "Were them funny noises comin' outta you or the piano?" by your significant other. Or what about when she’s a little upset and you ask “What’s wrong? And she replies "How can I ignite the fire in my heart when you've got your foot in my face!"

Getting the picture boys and girls?

However, I would suspect that most women that read this journal would more than gladly spend a Thanksgiving afternoon with you stooging while the in-laws are feedin’ down at Norms or Denny’s. Gotta love a woman like that. There is a lot to be said about a closet stooger that comes out even if it just once a year for a Dead Bird Day marathon.

Then without warning.
Not sure when, but the Stooges.
Went color.
Technicolor to be exact.

I never did rebound from that ticket, even though it was short lived and only lasted through a few full featured films the stooges were never the same.  Thank god for black and white reruns.

Now if you thought the stooges going color was a injustice to life as we know it then hold on to your seat kids, open another pack of chocolate Flicks or a roll out za stick of Necos because The Stooges are back in town and in full color.

 Grampy, Winky and Cindy McCain.

Yes, frightening by all measures, and yet if Grampy and Winky win the presidential race we are all in for a shitload of heartache.  So as keeping true to WLA I have compiled a first aid kit in the event that this abomination blooms.

Jot this list down, print it out, tattoo it on the small of your loved one’s back as a constant reminder of what to do just in case the GOP succeeds in stealing the seat from Senator Obama by fraudulent means as they did from Gore and Kerry.  (2000 and 2004)

 A WLA Surviving The Theft First Aid Kit:

1.   Two bed sheets: To be placed over elderly family members after suffering fatal consequences from eating imported Chinese pet food.

2.    Clown Makeup: As a last ditch effort to look like Grampy aka McCain in order find a rich wife so that you may not have to use the bed sheets for loved ones.

3.   $20 dollars in singles: Folded length wise so that they may fit easily into Winky’s Thong while she’s in town trying to raise funds for The Disabled Moose Foundation.

4.   One towel: For cleaning up after coming into contact with said thong. Lyme disease is not contagious but one can never be too careful.

5.   Knife: To be used for hunting pidgins and other small city animals.

6.   Personal water bottle: Optional

7.   Swimsuit: For bathing in local dwindling lake or reservoir.

8.   Tweezers: Not sure why, but they may come in handy.

9.   Magic Marker: To be used for cardboard signs reading; Will work for food.

10. Phone Card. A phone card will replace cell phones.

11. Ace Bandages: May be used in winter for warmth.

12. Matches: See item 11.

13. Bratwurst jerky: To be saved for Christmas or Thanksgiving.

14. Tennis balls: Tennis balls will replace the PlayStation and can be cut in half to make mud muffins.

15. Aspirin: Your new health plan.

Well that’s about it. What more can I say.  Grampy, Winky and Sister McCain may be the end of us all.  Use your vote wisely. We really do need a change.

 

Sincerely
The Super Secret Dissident of WLA.