Wondering Where The Lions Are.

In past posts I may have mentioned the fact that ex-wife #1 and ex-wife #2, both, at different times but following each respective divorce, found Jesus.  Needless to say, back in the early 70’s when X-1 found her way, I wasn’t really surprised because I think she was floundering in that direction from the start, so I didn’t think much about it, yet in the mid 90’s when X-2  pronounced a willingness to share the light of all that is good, well, that left me a bit shaken; Had I led these two women to the weather beaten welcome mat of God with my less than admirable actions?  A dilemma by the way, that I have long since  come to terms with and today feel that it was just the luck of the draw for everyone involved: A real que sera, sera sort of thing.

 

Now, I’m not one for saying what one should believe in or not believe in and I more or less keep to myself on other’s beliefs as well and roll on with what I have.  X-2 is of the same realm of thought, and with her being a good God fearing woman she could care less about my not seeing the light. In fact she is pretty set on the fact that I can’t see beyond the next five minutes.  Or so she has said.

 

 X-1, well, that is another story altogether.  A week does not pass that she does not forward a chain letter from the mouth of God himself directing one on what to look out for or who to avoid, and when, where and how to avoid it or them.

 

The latest being an email on how one should not accept the new one dollar coins.  Well, here have a look for yourself.
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DO NOT ACCEPT THE NEW DOLLAR COINS AS CHANGE! ----- THE SWITCH HAS BEGUN: Please help do this ... refuse to accept these when they are handed back to you. I received one from the Post Office as change and I asked for a dollar bill instead. The lady just smiled and said, 'Way to go,' so she had read this e-mail. Please help out. Our world is in enough trouble without this too! U.S. Government to Release New Dollar Coins, You guessed it -- IN GOD WE TRUST' IS GONE! If ever there was a reason to boycott something, THIS IS IT
Together we can force them out of circulation. Please send to all on your mailing list!

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WTF. THE SWITCH HAS BEGUN. Really?  What switch?  Did I miss something? Are we like, converting over to the Canadian loonie or something more sinister?

 

I really don’t know what is going on here, but I figure it must have something to do with Armageddon and the beginning of the end.  If so, let it not be said that I am just going to sit idly around and let G-Man and his citizens of the fluffy floor brigade just come buzzing in and slap all the believers into eternal bliss via The Rapture and discard the rest of us for not being upwardly mobile.

 

The Truth is Out There. Maybe.

 

Well if it is and The Rapture is about to take place then I feel a need to prepare, and not just for myself, but for all of humanity. One planet one people shit. Because what if we non-believers as a whole are wrong. What then.  Damnation?

 

I think NOT.

 

Fear not folks, in the event that there is something afoot I have put together a little kit to prepare yourself, something that you can throw together with things from around the house so that when the Glory Train arrives – if it does - you and yours will be ready.    

 

The Water Lilly Alley Rapture Kit.

 

Water: Now I really haven’t met anyone that has returned from heaven, therefore I don’t have any hard evidence that there is water at the end of the stop.  Water, therefore, will be our first and foremost concern. A normally active person needs to drink at least two quarts of water each day. Take along one gallon per person per day for the trip. Travel time is still undetermined so don’t forget water for the elderly and your pets, children are reasonably resilient and should get along just fine for the first day or so.

 

Also prepare a small container of bleach to take along in your outfit. Use 16 drops of bleach to treat water that may be questionable. Say for instance someone wanders off the Glory Train and you find they have left a container of water behind. The water should be treated before use. I’m thinking backwash.

 

Food: We’re not sure how long Rapturning will take, so it would be wise to pack ready-to-eat canned meats - Beanie wienies would be a good choice for the trip, fruit roll ups, canned juices, and a block of government cheese if available. Sugar, salt, pepper and high energy foods such as peanut butter and jelly, crackers, cookies, hard candy will store well and are compact. Don’t forget food for the pets, mainly for fattening the little critters. (again, you never know.)  Oh yeah, and steak sauce… and a light chardonnay depending on what kind of pets you’re bringing along.

 

First Aid: I would not be one bit surprised if they don’t have universal health care in heaven so it may be wise to bring along your own supplies. Here are just a few items I think one may need.

Sterile adhesive bandages, safety pins, soap, latex gloves, and sunscreen.

 

Laxatives – I’m sure the first week in the new digs will leave one constipated.

Tweezers- for angel wing shards.

Needles and moistened towelettes for that not so fresh feeling.
Lubricant. Yeah. Like, better have it than need it.

 

Tools: Just in case Heaven isn’t cracked up to be what it’s supposed to be I would like to suggest paper cups, batteries, cash, traveler’s checks, a non-electric can opener or utility knife, pliers, tape, matches, aluminum foil, paper, pencils, lawnmower, bicycle and a few assorted wrenches.

At least five signal flares.

 

Now for the stuff that we always forget.

Toilet paper. Even angels have to take a dump, I’m sure.

Soap, feminine supplies, plastic bags, a plastic bucket with a tight lid and disinfectant. You are going to need somewhere to… well, you know.

 

And last but not least: Sensible shoes, a deck of Uno, rain gear, sleeping bag, sunglasses, a passport, ATM card, and…

Birth certificate.

This may sound like a lot of equipment but trust me… when the time comes you will be coming up with more than these items that you wished you would have brought along. 

 

And where to store all these provisions?

 

I find that I can stow these items properly and secure in a shopping cart, with enough room left over for a parrot and a few discreet sex toys.

 

Remember, when you popped out of the womb earlier in this life? You were butt naked, bloody and snot running down your nose, not to mention, covered in mama slime.  Is it any wonder why they slapped you? Be prepared this go around for the new awakening, don’t get caught sniveling like a new arrival without a clue.  The Rapture can be fun and enjoyable if you are willing to put forth a little effort.  I mean, come on… what are the options?  Even if you do end up going south, you will still need a kit. 

 

Live like you were going to die.

Comments

[Carol]

I don't care what my money says as long as I can spend it. Going to heaven sounds like the way I pack for camping. I know I will forget something though.

[Alice]

Special Offer here! For anyone of your G fearing people out there that do not want any of the new dollar coins, please feel free to send them to me. Alvin has my address. I will gladly take them off of your hands and send you back a certificate stating you are a chosen person of god. It is almost guaranteed to help you with your rupturing. Thank you.

[Stephanie]

Hilarious!

[Sasha]

Oh Alvin...you're going to hell. I'll see you there.

[Alvin]

Thanks Stephanie, and yes, Sasha, I will be needing extra water.

Alice and Carol, I do agree, for as long as one can use it to pay for something I don't care what is or isn't on the coin. Money is money. People are weird at times. Reminds me of the adage to cut off one's nose to spite one's face.

I just wonder how many good "in god we trust' Christians would spend a non marked coin for milk for their kids if that is all they had. Yeah, they could rationalize it but in the long run it's the same thing. Money is money. Alexander the Great had that in mind when he was trying to take over Europe. He had his face engraved on all coins and boy, I bet those are worth a pretty penny today. And no where on those coins were the mention of God.

Oh well. Life goes on. Just give me some money to make it go on a bit better. Praying doesn't seem to work all that well.

[Reader]

I have airmiles. Will they speed me through the rapture?

[the Occasional Bitch]

Remind x1 that, according to the bible, heaven will be populated only by 144,000 virgin males...all Jewish...despite Leviticus.

[Alvin]

Yes, Airmiles are good. Just don't overshoot Heaven, keep a lookout the last few miles.

OC B: 144,000, virgin males? Yikes, I hope heaven has enough PlayStations to keep these gents happy.

[Bonnie]

Tell the x to turn the coin on the side and she will see the phrase she thinks is gone. rotfl

[Alvin]

Bonnie, good advice, and I will, but it may be a little difficult, you see, she's still trying to figure out how Noah got two of all creatures on the Ark without the tigers eating them up before they set sail.

[mz. em]

Thank you for this entry. Now I know what to have for the Rapture.

From one who is not into organized religion but likes to be prepare.

mz. em