Water Lilly Alley

How Santa Got Stiffed For Christmas

 A long, long time ago in the far away about the sixth month an angel that all the other angels knew as Gabriel was sent from God unto a city of Galilee, named Nazareth, to a virgin espoused to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David; and the virgin's name was Mary. And the Angel came in unto her, and said, “Now don’t freak out about what I’m going to tell you, just hear me out.” And the angel said unto her “Fear not, Mary: for thou has found favor with God, and, behold, thou shall conceive in thy womb, and bring forth a son, and you shall call him Jesus or Santa, But before you make your choice, do take note of the Jesus/Santa proclamation that I hold before you. It simply states all that is to come in years down the road. Choose wisely and please sign on the bottom line and initial to the left in the little box highlighted in yellow. In the meantime I will have a little one on one with Joseph.

                                                 The JC/SC Points System

Item: Both Santa Claus and Jesus will be immortal, omniscient beings and will judge their followers based on good and bad deeds.

Item: Santa Claus will live at the North Pole, a pure, white, mythical northern vantage point from which to look down on the world he serves.

Item:  Jesus will reign from a pure, white heaven located above the world he watches over.

Item:  Santa will have elves to do his bidding and help with his work since he cannot be everywhere at once.

Item:  Jesus will have apostles that will perform the same role as elves of spreading His word since He cannot reach all his followers at once.

Item:  Santa will receive letters from his followers requesting gifts in return for being well behaved throughout the year.

Item:  Jesus on the other hand will receive propositions in the form or prayers, not only for good behavior but these prayers can also redeemed to cut a deal in order to get out of a jam or messy divorce.

Item:  Milk and cookies are a way of communicating with Santa through food.

Item:  Wine and bread; a quick hook up to Jesus.

Item:Santa has a bottomless bag of toys.

Item:  Jesus has a bottomless bag of penance: For just about any sin under the sun just say a few Hail Mary’s, a couple Our Fathers and you’re off the hook for another week.

Item:  Flying reindeer will bear Santa Claus down to the earth for his yearly visits.

Item:  Jesus will body surf in on the back of a few angels on his second coming.

Item: Each year right after Halloween Santa will be the number one cause of traffic jams, crowds and long lines at malls everywhere.

Item: In the winter of 2009 Jesus will come out with a personal line of Jumping for Jesus Confessionals.

So you see boys and girls, Santa could have had top billing if only he had a better publicist. Fan mail and toys were just not enough to carry Santa over the top and so he will always be second best. Plus, you can’t beat a line of signature jumpers.

Sleepy Time Blues

Dear Sister La Cienega

Why is it I'm more alert when I wake up at 6 AM at least in the short 
term? As I write this it’s 9:00 am and I’m groggy and feel like crap.  I have just turned 50 and was wondering if this is a symptom of middle age and is it something I will have to look forward to on a daily basis?

Sincerely,
Zonked in Canada.

Dear, Zonked in Canada,

My child, this is quite normal for someone entering that I like to call ‘The Wonder Years’. You see, when you wake up in the morning, your are awake, and once awake life seems wonderful, peaceful, and in most cases, stress free, however, the body and soul have an internal dialogue going on that you may not be aware of. It goes something like this.

-Wow, awake.
- Hey body, good morning, but before we get started I would just like to remind you that in this journey of what fools call life, we have come further than we are going. 
- What do you mean?
-Well, the path ahead of us is a bit shorter than the path behind us, take a look, it’s quite obvious.
- But what has that have to do with me?
-OMG, you’ve got to be joking.
- No.
- Two words: Scrunch. Time.
- Scrunch time?
- Yeah, things that use to take forever now fly by; things that use to fly by now take forever.
-Really?
- Yes, really, remember as a kid, it was mid-summer and you had that double scoop of chocolate chip mint ice cream and were in heaven for all of ten minutes and then it was, gone, forgotten and life went on. Well with Scrunch Time, you can choose to eat that sane double scoop now and will end up sitting on it for the next year. 
- Damn.

So you see my dear, the body can be so naïve at times and it’s up to the soul to try and smooth things out.  That is where the confusion sets in. Now revisiting your dilemma on grogginess, let’s apply the scrunch time theory here and see how this plays out.

Arising at 6:00 AM you are not groggy because you are awake and once awake, grogginess has a tendency to set in and if you remember with the ST Theory - things that use to take forever will now fly by- however you must be awake for this to take place, you can't continue to tire when sleeping, sleeping creates un-tired.  That is why you went to sleep in the first place. Now with all this taken into consideration it only proves that once awake one instantly begins to get tired or groggy as scrunch time kicks in. Stephan Hawking would like to call this a Space Time Continuum but then again, he is such an attention whore and if I were you I wouldn’t pay him much mind.

To further elaborate my point: Christmas Day for a kid seems like such a long way off from the month of May, and just like summer vacation appears to last forever is because kids have little to associate time with. Time is relative to ones desires , for most don’t see time as now, but as something that has a starting point and an ending point. The ending point of course being somewhere down the line.  The younger you are, the further the destination in question seems to be.

A child’s whole frame of reference is built on a couple years. Every increment is a bigger piece of their life. As you get older, every increment is a smaller piece, the denominator is bigger."

Therefore It is my summation that scrunch time works in the same way when one wakes up in the morning; one feels awake, feels great and then before you know it, bamn, and one is groggy. This is because groggy does not have any notion as to what time it is. So in essence you are going from awake to groggy in what I would like to call a Day Worm Hole.  I know this seems to be a little complicated but in time once the grogginess passes it will make sense, or perhaps not.

Toodles
Sister La Cienega

Love Takes A Holiday.

-  Good morning oggie woogie.

-  Good morning Lamykins.

-  Why don’t you go and shave and I will start breakfast.

-  Right after a kiss, missy.

-  <wet kissing sounds>

-  Marrying you will be the highlight of my life Oggie-woogie.

-  Me too, Lamy.

-  Oggie, did you set up our wedding registry yesterday?

-  Yes.

-  Where? Macy’s, Crate & Barrel, Bloomingdales, Williams-Sonoma?  

-  Facebook.

-  What!!!

-  Yeah, on Facebook. So far we have already received:
   3 Long Island Iced Teas
   1 Apple Martini
   5 Vodka Cranberries
   1 Bejeweled Blitz
-  A grape patch, a potato patch. a corn patch, all from Farmville. Aslo a lost cow, a roster, a pig, a goat and two apple trees, a peach tree, an orange tree, a melon patch and a swing set that we can place in the shade of the farm house that we will buy with additional purchased points.

-  We also have four imaginary friends that will play scrabble with us for the next six months.

-  From the Mafia club, we received an ice pick, a bomb, handcuffs, one knee-breaker and a snitch.

-  From our friend over at Vampire Wars, we got the power of rodent claw, control over the night crawlers and a magical cape what will allow either one of us to fly upside-down. 

-  49 assorted quizzes.

-  Oh and there was a personal comment from Hayley W. that reads: Wait its not 100 degrees outside, I am cold!

-  We also of this morning, have a lot of pokes and you have three super-pokes from by Dad.

-  FACEBOOK?  You REGISTERED us at FACEBOOK?

-  Are you some kind of fucking moron?

-  No, I’m a burp. I took the What Natural Body Function Are You quiz.

-  Get the fuck out of my house… RIGHT NOW!

Instructions

Back in 1958 or so, we didn’t have babysitters, nannies, or maids. We had ‘Instructions’  For instance, when my mom had to go out to the market, or to run mom chores we kids would be left home alone. Me being the oldest, 8, I was the one to be given ‘The Instructions’  

-         -Alvie, while I’m out keep an and eye on your brother and sister, no fighting, and don’t use the stove, stay out of the fridge, you don’t need to be eating anything, I don’t want you choking again, especially if no one is here. Don’t be using your slingshot to be shooting birds from your bedroom window, and most of all: DO not, do not open the door for anyone other than me.  Got it?

-         -Yes,

-        -What did I say?

-        -No Fighting, don’t use the stove, stay out of the fridge, no eating, no slingshot stuff and don’t open the door for anyone?

-        -Ok, back in an hour.

<One hour later.>

-      (knock-knock)

-        -Who is it?

-        -It’s me, mom, open the door.

-        -How do I know it’s you?

-        - God damn it, open the door or when I get in there I will knock you into next Tuesday.

-        - John, check the back door, I don’t know who it is but they have the evil power of time travel.

-        - Dee, go lock all the windows, this could be dangerous.

-         -  Alvie, open the door.

-        - How do I know you’re who you say you are?

-        - Open the God damn door now!

-        - Ok but first you will have to answer a few questions.

-        - What did we have for breakfast?

-        - Don’t be funny, you had oatmeal and toast, Johnny had a bowl of Quisps and Dee had peaches, now open the fucking door.

-        - Damn, they got mom, I think they sucked the morning stuff out of her brain and sent out one of their chief body pods to kill, roast and eat us. 

-        - Really, what are we going to do Alvie?

<Loud banging on the door>

-  The three of you are going to get an ass beating if you don’t open this door now.

<Johnny and Dee peeking out from the living room curtains>

-        - Alvie, its getting mad, the face is turning red, what are we going to do?

-        - Don’t worry, I think it’s going into its huff and puff skills, but the house is cinder block so we don’t have anything to worry about right now, but, we need to get a plan in place.

-        - Like what?

-        - I don’t know, let me think.

<banging getting louder>

-        - Ok, turn the stove on, go get my slingshot, open the fridge and get all the choking stuff out.

-        - What is choking stuff?

-        - I don’t know, get chunk stuff out.

-        - Should we get the marmalade out, remember when you choked on the little orange things in the jelly?

-        - Yes, get the marmalade and also a few orbs so that we can ultra-force project the orange blast units.

-        - Ok, Johnny, smear some marmalade on one of the Brussels sprouts

-        - Dee, hand me my slingshot.

-        - Ok, on the count of three, Dee, open the door, I will have only one shot. Our only hope is that I can launch the orange globe of death directly into the mouth of whatever it is. 

-       - God be with us,

-        - 1…, 2…   

The Burning

In keeping with Water Lilly Alley's diverse nature I felt it time to flip a page into a new realm of creativity. A subject that perhaps may appeal to the inner glow of romance that some women dream of when the kids are afternoon napping and the husband is out back draining the clogged  septic tank. A little something that may ignite her soul as the warm summer breeze teases through the screen door and the aspens rustle lovingly in the front yard.

Yes, kids, I’m talking about erotica. 

I think I’ve done a fair job here, the ending is a little rough but in time I think I may be able to iron it out into one solid piece. 

Thank You.
I remain as usual, Alvin.

The Burning of The Sandusky Pathway.

Her entire body was on fire with desperate anticipation. All the reasons why she shouldn’t be doing this flashed through her mind. They had just met at the speed dating tournament and had made it to the playoffs. They were both lonely and Loretta recently divorced.  Jim’s hands, his gentle touch did wonderful things to her. But she knew what was happening between them was never going to last. The first two hours of the night slowly slipped by and she had not given in, yet now her body had cried out for pleasure.  Markus had been her first and only lover—and that had not been until after they were engaged and leaving her the way he did only made meeting someone new all the more hesitant

But this was somehow different—felt so good, so right. Despite their differences, they were drawn to each other like powerful magnets. Loretta wanted nothing more than to make love with Jim. She could feel her resolve slipping away. Her body, her primitive animal lust was more powerful than her rational mind….

The night was coming to an end and she was ready to make love with Jim, to give herself to him, she was prepared when his mouth captured hers. She parted her lips, allowing his tongue to invade her moist, warm mouth. She could feel his heart pounding, as his chest pressed against hers, nearly in time to the powerful throbbing between her thighs. His hand slipped under her t-shirt, lightly caressing her heaving breasts.

The sensation of his hand on her bare skin was nearly more than she could bear. A low moan escaped from deep down inside as she moved her hand towards the heat that was now binding them as one.  Her hand seemed to have a desire of its own and within moments, a lifetime, she unsnapped his jeans and felt his wiener spring forth from its denim prison and as he looked her in the eye he said softly “ How’s that working out for you down there, pretty impressive eh?”

The End.